The 'I Asked You Out But You Said No' Shuffle

Those boys may be handsome / But they'll hit you / They may be handsome / But they'll hit you...

You Don't Hold My Hand Anymore

You don't hold my hand anymore / I wish you'd just stop it / And put it in your pocket...

I Went To A Shit Club

You said your friend was feisty so you had to get the night bus home with her / Even though it had just cost us a bloody fiver to get in the bloody club...

Does That Count As Flirting?

Are you the result of a bad education / Did your Dad not teach you it's wrong to be rude? / Why are the girls who have the least manners / Always the ones that you want to see nude?

Sometimes I Walk Away From A Situation And Wish I'd Been Wittier In That Situation

So I pick at the grass as if I'm not awkward / As if I haven't already named our daughters / As if I've not considered taking your clothes off...

I Nearly Asked If I Could Marry You

I wish I hadn't laddered my tights / On your first day at our school...

Me & The Flower Arrangers

I don't like flower arranging / I only go to the classes to get closer to the ladies...

Camilla

Oh Camilla / You soften me like a cedilla / And make me thump my chest like a gorilla / You still surprise me like Cilla / Oh Camilla...

73

Oh, I'd like to kiss you with my teeth in / And take you to Southend at the weekend...

I Know Your Pin

...And when we had time to ourselves it was more exciting than 2012...

What I Said About Britney

I didn't mean what I said about Britney / I think you're sexier / wittier / stabler / politer.

I Can't Wait To See You

I can't wait to see you pissed / Off at all the men that you work with / So we can slag them off / And remind you that I'm worth it...

Nobody In The Film Was As Pretty As Your Face

I met you outside the multiplex / And your hair was curly and you stank of sex...

One Day You And Me Will Count Our Grandchildren

The trees in Regent's Park still have you beneath them, and under me, and if it rained there for a century you couldn't wipe away what it meant to me...

All Your Friends Are Idiots

I don't want to spend tonight / Hearing people talk about work, no / I just want to spend tonight / With you in a cupboard going berserk, oh...

The Girl Enters In A Dress

Oh, God send this song to number one / Let it soundtrack an advert or a rom-com...

Lynx And Febreze

I'm too sad to wash / I start drinking at 12 / I eat 3 meals a day in Maccy D's...

Give Me Your Wife

Buy her a bicycle too, 'Dave' / So you can go on outings together, 'Dave' / Leave the kids with your Dad, 'Dave' / And give her a day in the spa, 'Dave'...

Is It True You're Going Out With A Builder?

I'm not doing jokes / I'm not doing flattery / You make me so excited / That you could hang a hat on me...

The Best Fucking Weekend That Anyone Has Ever Had

We drank so much we couldn't leave the house / And I farted so much you nearly kicked me out...

Spend The Summer In Bed

I don't want to stand around in parks chucking frisbees at your friends / I don't want to sit around in circles, I want to spend the summer in bed...

She's Got Your Nose

Oh, your nose / Oh, your nose / And that thing you do...

I've Got Songs Coming Out Of My Ears

I've got songs / Coming out of my ears / In the hope you'll go out with me / For a thousand years...

You're Far Too Busy

And you're far too busy to / Text me back / Oh, text me back...

Is That A Wig On Your Head?

Just because I've got a bald head it doesn't make me ugly / Just because I've got a bald head it doesn't mean I'm funny...

It Looked Like You Were My Girlfriend

Just for one hour / Of just one day / In this shitty old cafe / It looked... It looked...

Calligraphy

I'm gonna get good at calligraphy and write a girl a letter...

On Saturday Night The Pretty Girls Come Out

Ooo my gooodness, look at them pout...

To All The Pretty Girls

I'm the Martin Scorcese of having sex / I combine a populist approach with critical success...

Iffy Sex

It was iffy sex / drunk and slapdash...

Out On The Lash With John Again

...and suddenly the whole night seems worth it...

Let's Call Our First Born Rocky

Rocky Golaszewski, Rocky Golaszewski / Does that sound right to you? / Rocky Golaszewski...

Instrumental

No no no, don't wear that dress / it's far too short, you'll catch your death...